Self help

You know, I think my next big life goal (or perhaps the next step in my life long project of having a good life and overcoming anxiety of at all possible) should be to stop expecting myself to fail everything.

It’s a form of protection, I know, because you’re less disappointed when you do, but I was telling a friend today how my entire academic and professional career up until now has been a long string of ‘well I’m pretty sure I’m doing a spectacularly shitty job rn but until someone notices I’m gonna keep going’.
Which, hey, it’s worked out so far and I’ve got no complaint about that bit!

But at the same time, the more I grow up the more I realize two things.
One, aside from one asshole boss, no one ever actually told me I did a shitty job (so either I’ve only worked with complete morons or my perspective is faulty)
And two, the people who heard me talk about myself as a failure tend to expect me to fail more than others, or at least that’s what it feels like…and it’s actually super frustrating to watch people be surprised when I manage to complete a task I felt confident in tackling just because I keep preparing everyone to see me fail.

So. No guarantee of success, but I guess it’s not a bad goal. Plus ‘fake it until you make it’ got me this far so there’s no harm in trying.