Reading: The Bane Chronicles Vol. 8, Part II

✗ OTHER SHADOWHUNTER CHRONICLES LIVEREADS
{All}{The Mortal Instruments}{The Bane Chronicles}

It’s not easy being Magnus Bane. As a warlock, he’s often called upon to fix problems of others. His life has been long, and his loves have been many, and Magnus has a way of making sure he’s at the right place at the right—or perhaps wrong—time. The French Revolution, Prohibition, the first great battle between Valentine and the New York Institute… Magnus was there. But smuggling Marie Antoinette out of France is nothing compared to having a first date with Alec Lightwood.
Though Magnus’s tale is far from over, these stories shed a little light on his often inscrutable character. What happens when an immortal warlock goes mad? Are all Herondales as problematic as Will? (Answer: yes.) And why was Magnus banned from Peru?Magnus will never be able to tell all of his tales. No one would believe him. But here are eleven stories that fill in some of the blanks—stories he probably wishes had never gotten out.

✗ OTHER BANE CHRONICLES LIVEREADS
{All}{Vol. 5, Part I}{Vol. 6}{Vol. 7}{Vol. 8, Part I}

Magnus Bane may or may not be dating Alec Lightwood, but he definitely needs to find him the perfect birthday present. Set in the time between City of Bones and City of Ashes, warlock Magnus Bane is determined to find the best birthday present possible for Alec Lightwood, the Shadowhunter he may or may not be dating. And he’s also got to deal with the demon he’s conjured up for a very irritating client…

 

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Magnus, I want to like you, I really do, but your repeated objectification of Alec makes me want to puke. He’s not a fucking dildo with extra batteries, fuck you very much! See this is why I can’t ship Malec as it is in canon because that kind of thinking is such a huge red flag, I’d be out of the relationship in no time ><

But of course, Ragnor mentions gooey feelings so I’m supposed to accept this, even though no one seems to find it weird that Magnus keeps talking about stamina runes (at least, that’s what Ragnor’s reaction implies here.)

Honestly this is disgusting. Magnus, at this point, your attitude disgusts me.

 

Anyway, all this was for nothing because Ragnor does the whole 'I’m racing a tunnel’ routine, with a land line which is obnoxious as fuck, and then hangs up. Well, what’s two more pages wasted, right? It’s not like I didn’t know Cassandra Clare was allergic to short writing.

 

Magnus did not know why all of his immortal friends had to be so callous and horrible.

 

Okay, first of all, maybe if they’re always treating you like this, you should find new friends. There are ways to deal with over dramatic people that don’t resort to treating them like shit.

Secondly, if Cassandra Clare took the time to write characters who are the product of their environment, Magnus wouldn’t wonder why his Downworlder friends are convinced he’s crazy (and they would freak out a lot more, I think). Because if they were actually products of their environments, they would know that Magnus is taking a lot of risks to be together with a guy who, by all means, will be dead in the blink of an eye.

But we are reading the Shadow hunters Chronicles and as much as I like some of the characters, we have to be honest and admit consequences are not a thing in this world.

 

Ragnor pretends he has to hang up, Magnus spends a couple of lines being gratuitously nasty toward his friends, and then we go back to the demon spreading slime in the living room. Because we’re not done with the talking coffee table thing, apparently.

If Magnus ends up buying (or making) something the demon suggested I swear I’m gonna scream.

 

Anyway, scene break because we’re skipping the useless banter this time, and Magnus thinks back on the night he took Alec to Taki’s instead of a Mundane’s restaurant. Quote:

Usually they went to places frequented by mundanes. The haunts of Downworld, crawling with faeries, werewolves, warlocks, and vampires who might pass on word to his parents, clearly made Alec nervous. Magnus did not think Alec understood how much Downworld preferred to keep apart from Shadow hunter business.

Because of course, when interracial relationships happen between members of an oppressor/oppressed dynamics happen, only the person who is part of the oppressor ever risks getting in trouble for this relationship, the person who is part of the oppressed is completely safe. Especially when the one who is part of the oppressors actually falls into an oppressed category.

Also apparently Magnus has obviously never heard of the concept of snitches and informants because the thought doesn’t even come to him.

Plus, as I mentioned, if the prejudice against downworlders is based their having demon blood, then warlocks are at the bottom of the pyramid (much like colorism puts the darkest-skinned black people at the bottom of the social ladder) so the idea of other downworlders wanting to 'put him back in his place’ isn’t all that far fetched either.

No, I’m still not over Clare’s responses on privilege. Honestly, I don’t think she gets how it works.

 

But anyway, we transition from 'Magnus remembers’ to full-on flashback, which is efficient as a filming technique but is just confusing in a book, imo.

And that’s when the story starts talking about Jace. Again. Because this is a Clare book and there will be no Clare book without at least one reminder that the Herondales are so much better than everyone else.
(Yes, Cassandra Clare has successfully made me hate the Herondale family and yes, it’s going to be a problem when I get to reading TID.)
(Also let’s not forget the POV hopping, because staying in just one head is boring.)

 

But anyway, next, Raphael comes in with his two 'most loyal followers’ and immediately start playing the Mean Girl trope for all it’s worth, and mocking Alec. Well, Raphael, I already knew you were an ass, but fine, go ahead.

The situation is mostly amusing to Magnus until he notices Alec is tense, which I suppose is better late than never, and then we get a paragraph of Magnus describing Alec.

 

[Magnus] knew Alec well enough to know what he was feeling, the conflicting impulse that warred in him. [Alec] was conscientious, the kind of person who believed that the others around him were so much more important than he was, who already believed that he was letting everybody down. And he was honest, the kind of person who was naturally open about all he felt and all he wanted. Alec’s virtues had made a trap for him: these two good qualities had collided painfully. He felt he could not be honest without disappointing everybody he loved. It was a hideous conundrum for him. It was as if the world had been designed to make him unhappy.

And how about, instead of blaming self-esteem issues on some sort of natural, in-built flaw, we acknowledge that HE’S A GAY TEEN LIVING IN A PLACE WHERE A) HIS FUCKING PARABULLSHIT DOESN’T RESPECT HIM, B) HIS PARENTS/FAMILY DON’T EVEN REMEMBER HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY and C) BEING HONEST ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY SUPPOSEDLY WOULD GET HIM KICKED OUT OF THE NEPHILIM CLUB IN A VERY PAINFUL AND PERMANENT WAY???

CASSANDRA CLARE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING TART DON’T YOU DARE COME AND TELL ME ABOUT WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN ALEC’S SHOES WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND THAT HUNDREDS OF KIDS FEEL THE SAME NOT BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN BUILT THAT WAY BUT BECAUSE THEIR OWN FAMILIES ARE INCAPABLE OF ACCEPTING THEM AS THEY ARE

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

 

Magnus tells Raphael off and reaches for Alec’s hand over the table. Alec snatches his hand away, and Magnus gets annoyed at Shadow hunters for making Alec feel shitty. Considering this comes less than a page after the above though, I’m far from convinced ><

Elliott (one of Raphael’s vampire friends) decides to be even more of an ass –fuck u Elliott- and Magnus warns Elliott not to go and spread 'tedious tales’ around the place.

So basically Clare states that Downworlders stay out of shadow hunters business at all cost, then two pages later we have a downworlder who does *just that*, to the point where Magnus has to threaten said downworlder so he won’t spread rumors.

Goddammit Clare, will you ever make up your fucking mind?

Magnus and Elliott engage in a little staring contest, cue Raphael:

“Dios,” snapped Raphael, and the two other vampires flinched. “I am not interested in your sordid encounters or constantly deranged life choices, and I am certainly not interested in prying into the affairs of Nephilim. I meant what I said. I don’t want to know about this. And I won’t know about this. This never happened. I saw nothing. Let’s go.”

YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE WHO WALKED UP TO THEM AND STARTED MAKING A FUSS IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU DUMB FUCK VDSNBGKHG WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO SHITTY I SWEAR ALEC DESERVED BETTER THAN THIS.

 

Anyway, as we know if any Shadow hunter learns about Magnus and Alec’s relationship, Alec could end up in big, very big trouble of the life-destroying kind. What just happened is a Big Deal for him, very understandably so, right? Right.

Which is why we have to make this all about Magnus and his annoyance at gossiping friends and blood in his stereo system. BUT HE CARES ABOUT ALEC SO MUCH AMIRITE???

 

 

A paragraph about how stupid vampires are and a reference to COB later, Magnus finally thinks of reassuring his boyfriend… JK, someone starts a bar fight in the diner. Because clearly that’s what we wanted to read about.

Also Alec puts himself directly between Magnus and the fight (see what considerate looks like, Magnus?) and gets a throwing knife ready (which is satisfying only because it fits with my headcanon).

 

Anyway, Alec puts himself as a shield, which is basically his default fighting attitude (my baby!) and it reminds Magnus that he is 'powerful beyond the dreams of not only mundanes but most of Downworld.’

So Magnus is the local Invincible Man, has been for centuries, but somehow that never seems to get him enemies, or any particular reaction from the Clave. Likewise, I have to assume he was willfully downplaying his powers in TMI, which does not speak well of his character.

Also Magnus states that he hasn’t wanted to be protected since the Silent Brothers took him in when he was a kid which, I’ll repeat, sound completely illogical and like a stupid authorial decision that only exist so the Shadow hunters will sound like better persons than they actually are. The Shadow world basically functions like Segregationist America, and Clare is trying to make me believe Magnus was saved by the KKK. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

(No, okay, I exaggerate. In this metaphor, I suppose Valentine + the Circle would be the KKK. The Silent Brothers are probably more like white Clergy or something. Which, okay, makes their taking Magnus in possible, if not 100% likely, and besides I still don’t buy that they did much for Magnus’ self esteem.)

 

Alec trying to protect Magnus gives Magnus the fuzzies (which I make fun of but completely understand, if I’m being honest) and then:

 

And the customers in Taki’s cafe shrank back from Alec, from angelic power revealed in a sudden blaze of fury. In that moment, nobody doubted that he could lay waste to them all.

Because clearly, a single skinny Shadow hunter is automatically stronger than a crowd of people who can fly, turn into wolves, spit fireballs and what-es-can-you-think-of. The only thing that gives Alec a clear advantage here is that everyone in this cafe knows they’re screwed if they kill a Clave member.

On a slightly different note: there was no indication of fury in Alec’s behavior up until now, and there’s really nothing there to make him furious? Alec comes from a warrior culture i.e.: violence is to be expect to a certain extent, it’s hardly something to be furious about in and of itself. Beside, Cassandra Clare seems to be under the impression that Alec is the most bigoted member of the TMI main cast—if so, shouldn’t he believe the stereotypes of Downworlders as incapable not to fight one another and be mostly unsurprised by the outburst?

Third point: what is it with the sudden angel comparison? Is it because Ace wasn’t here so you needed someone to compare to an angel, or is is supposed to be the way Magnus sees Nephilim in general? Or just Alec? Because in the first case, I’d be very, very dubious about Magnus giving out such a positive description of Nephilim, and in the second done it’s just not consistent with Magnus’ usual description of Alec.

 

Anyway, the fighters’ reaction (they break off and exit the cafe as fast as possible) is realistic, even though I still think it should be due to their knowing what’s good for them more than some form of biblical power we can’t seem to get rid of. Still, realistic reaction, and Alec’s subsequent embarrassment is pretty much in character.

Magnus then proceeds to drag Alec outside and kiss him which is… difficult to have an opinion about considering there’s no real timeline to tell us when this is taking place. Some time during COA, maybe? But well, outdoor making out: I can get behind that, even if I still think it doesn’t quite fit the setting.

 

“What was that for?” Alec asked a long time later, eyes shining.

Alec was young. Magnus had never been old, had never known how the world reacted to you when you were old, and had not been allowed to be really young for long either. Being immortal meant being apart from such concerns. All the mortals Magnus had loved had seemed younger and older than him, both at once. But Magnus was keenly aware that this was Alec’s first time dating, doing anything at all. He had been Alec’s first kiss. Magnus wanted to be good to him, not burden him with the weight of feelings that Alec might not return.

“Nothing,” Magnus lied.

I don’t really see what the whole 'I’m immortal’ bit has to do with that, especially since Magnus could have simply said 'thanks for trying to protect me’ and leave it at that.

Still, it’s frustrating, because this is something I can buy from an immortal character, him feeling apart from the rest of the world—but good bits like these are afar too few and far between and it’s frustrating.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: those Chronicles could be great if only Clare put more work into them :/

 

 

Anyway, this ends the flashback and we go back to the present, where Magnus figures out what the perfect gift is (but doesn’t tell us) which is when the doorbell rings.

Turns out it’s Isabelle coming for a visit, and Magnus lets her up. I’m not sure why this warrants a scene break, especially since we pick up when Isabelle comes in and goes straight for the coffee machine.

 

Isabelle the professional demon killer doesn’t even comment on the demon standing in Magnus’ living room and I have no idea why I’m even surprised tbh. It’s still frustrating. Also she’s mildly rude, which isn’t nice but isn’t unrealistic given the setting, I guess.

(I’m going to ignore the mention of porcelain pale skin. The Lightwoods are middle eastern and you will not convince me otherwise.)

We get a paragraph about Isabelle’s appearance and:

She seemed as if she could be as cold as her mother, as if she could be as prone to corruption as so many of her ancestors had been.

First of all fuck you, contrary to what the Herondales seem to imply, being an asshole is not a genetic trait.

Secondly, could you be a little more obvious as to who you hate and who you love, I’m not sure everyone gets it yet.

And thirdly, the fact that this comment comes right after a paragraph explaining Isabelle is beautiful once again implies that beautiful women are somehow evil which is just too much bullshit for me to properly tackle here ><

 

Fortunately for Isabelle, she’s wearing the necklace Magnus once bought for Camille which ended up in the Lightwood family (I don’t remember how) and that causes Magnus to think about will Herondale’s niece, which apparently counts as a redeeming quality somehow. (Said niece was a Lightwood btw, probably via marriage.)

 

After all of this super important information, we finally learn that Isabelle came because it’s Alec’s birthday today—thank you, Izzy, for getting this story back on track, *finally*.

She tells Magnus she knows he’s dating Alec, but the way she does it… I mean here:

“I know you two are… seeing each other,” said Isabelle, picking her words carefully but still meeting Magnus’s eyes dead-on. “I don’t care. I mean, it doesn’t matter to me. At all.”

Then why, Cassandra Clare, did you make her pause in that sentence at *the exact same place* a character/person who doesn’t like to say Alec and Magnus are dating would have paused? Why insert this pause at all if she knows and doesn’t mind—if you want to make it clear she really doesn’t mind, why does she hesitate to call a cat a cat???

Answer: because contrary to what you want to pretend, you don’t know how to write queer-friendly characters, let alone queer friendly books. Which, frankly, doesn’t speak well of your own, personal queer-friendliness.

 

[Isabelle] flung the words defiantly at Magnus. There was no need to be defiant with him, but he understood why she was, understood that she must have practiced the defiant words that she might have to say to her parents one day, if she stood by her brother.

Why do you have to do this—why do you have to surround good moments like this with so many bad authorial decisions uh???? It would make my life easier if it could be 100% bad like TMR. I’d just stop reading and that would be it—no need to come back for more pain ><

 

Anyway, blah blah blah, Isabelle is pretty but also loyal, THE SHOCK, I’ve been tired of this since COB tbh, let’s nope out of it… and while we’re at it, let’s also skip the whole 'It’s not my place to out Alec’ because GUESS WHAT MAGNUS DOES IN COA???

So no, I have no patience for that kind of discourse from him, thanks.

 

Cue 'do you really like him’ 'yes’ dialogue, which Magnus doesn’t take seriously because his feelings are *so strong* he can joke around with telling them, that’s nice to know.

Magnus asks if they’re going to talk about boys, which counts as more useless filler—especially with the pajama party 'joke’ added on top—we get this:

“[…] I think your brother is totally dreamy.”

Isabelle looked pleased, if a little mystified.

“Most people go for Jace. Or me, she added blithely.”

If I hear one more person calling Cassandra Clare a feminist I am going to slap someone *seething*

Also fuck the idea that 'girls like guys who treat them badly’ because this is blaming girls for accepting abuse as signs of love when, actually, that’s what they’re being *taught*. Anyway, fuck u Clare, fuck u book. Fuck everyone.

Blah blah blah, Nephilim are to be avoided at all cost (unless you’re Magnus Bane and said Nephilim have 'Herondale’ as a last name) and Alec is special because he’s not an asshole and actually cares about something other than himself. From then on the obvious transition is to ask if Magnus can see Isabelle’s whip.

 

Completely logical.

 

 

Apparently, Magnus wants to put a potion on the whip to, and I quote here 'give it a little extra kick, which is narratively useless since we never get to see the effect of this potion anywhere in the rest of the series. At least it gives a little characterization because Magnus’ reason for doing it is because it’s Alec’s birthday, and so this is… part of Magnus’ gift to Alec, I guess. In exchange, Isabelle gives him her number so Magnus can call in case he needs Shadow hunter help, which Magnus dismisses by saying he’s the one who helps Shadow hunters, not the reverse.

Because clearly, when you’re part of an oppressed minority and someone with some power and traction offers you an open invitation to call them for help, you refuse it and insult their people in the process.

See, this is why I don’t take anything Clare has to say about oppression seriously.

 

 

Blah blah blah Magnus says he’ll end up helping Izzy & her friend and we’re supposed to find it funny because that’s how it happens but it’s actually pretty sad because they end up being pretty rude & demanding to Magnus so no, I’m not laughing.

Isabelle explains that’s not why she gave her number away because she wanted magical help but because she thinks she should be able to get in touch with her brother’s boyfriend just in case, which is actually a realistic reasoning so I can get behind that, even if part of me keeps thinking it’s early—but then again given the fact that Isabelle or Alec is at risk of dying at any moment it’s not all that far fetched either.

 

Once again, a nice tidbit that will have no consequences and no effect on the rest of characterization. These are always extremely frustrating. ><

Several lines later, Isabelle leaves but not before she points the obvious and goes 'btw you have a demon in your living room’ to which said demon goes 'hi’ and that’s the end of that. Well, it’s good that she doesn’t hunt universally evil demons for a living, right? *Painfully maintained composure*

 

 

Scene break, and we’re back to he demon (I refuse to call it by its name btw) giving Magnus dating and gift advice. Of course.

Anyway, the demon doesn’t get why Magnus would make a gift that Alec won’t even know about, which is only difficult to comprehend if you don’t get the concept of selflessness.

 

There’s a vague mention of the patron who asked for a demon to be summoned—because yes, I forgot about the mundane who wanted to summon a demon. I think I ranted about that bit long enough in the previous part of this liveread not to go over it again, but it still sucks.

Blah blah blah, Magnus has flashy colors everywhere, he’s got a demon in his living room and we’re supposed to laugh because this is a sitcom *laugh track*

Get over it, I’m bored.

 

One brief mention of Alec, and then Magnus thinks about the events of “What really happened in Peru” because clearly all we want in this story is a 'previously on Magnus’ adventures in Glitter and Magic’.

Back to Magnus and how he feels at peace with Alec, which I would be a lot more impressed by if every sweet moment in these chronicles weren’t surrounded by frustrating authorial decisions and filler material. Idk man, Alec is supposed to kind of be at the center of this story but he’s been pretty much sidelined so far ><

 

Anyway, Magnus muses on his feelings and comes to the conclusion that he is in love with Alec.

Which officially makes him the biggest artichoke ever because, as a reminder, Magnus is over five centuries old and he’s only known Alec for a couple of weeks *at the most* so yeah, kind of early. I mean, I guess love at first sight can happen, but tbh I’m pretty skeptical about that.

Anyway, Magnus continues by thinking maybe Alec won’t feel the same about him, and THEN, because it’s been at least five pages, we get a line comparing Ace to an angel because even a story about Alec has to have a paragraph about Jace. Of freaking course.

 

I mean, I get that Magnus has had ample experience with relationships ending badly. I get that he’s got plenty of reasons to be cautious, I really do, but then again if you really want to avoid problem, why would you start dating an underage dude whose family is dedicated to hunting and possibly killing people like you??? It just does not make sense.

 

Thankfully, this story about Alec is spared from having Magnus thinking about Alec too long because the Mundane woman who wanted to summon a demon comes back /sarcasm.

Long story short, she’s at the head of a company providing magical sightseeing trips, which is supposed to be impossible since mundanes don’t see the shadow world and there hasn’t been a mundane with the sigh in centuries, BUT WHO CARES ABOUT INTERNAL LOGIC AMIRITE???

Oh Clare, how you make me hate you sometimes, it’s ridiculous.

Anyway, Ms. Connor has a mermaid problem: they drown her client because they don’t appreciate being stared at (I understand them) and so Connor wants the demon to get rid of that pesky problem.

“Wait a second. You want to curse the mermaids?” Magnus demanded.

OH NOW YOU CARE DON’T YOU?? FUCK YOU MAGNUS, FUCK YOU TWICE IN THE NOSTRIL ><

But hey, who cares about boring stuff like logic and worlbuilding uh, it’s not like anyone’s interested in that, are they??? So of course, instead we get some more banter, because that’s like a drug to you Clare, isn’t it?

So as a consequence we get to hear Magnus offer his contact in the mermaid community or, failing that, Shadow hunters—because Nephilim clearly want to help mundane businesswomen with their pesky administrative problems (not that they’re particularly keen on protecting mermaids either, mind you) and the demon respond with 'oh yeah, he’s dating a shadow hunter’ because that’s SUCH an important thing to know, right?

What could be more relevant, in the middle of discussing whether to curse people or not, to know that whether Magnus and Alec are really dating or not?

 

Anyway, Ms Connor agrees in Fantasy Stuck Up speech, Magnus considers messing with her but decides it’s not worth it. We also learn that his reason for not cursing the mermaids of New York is that “it could get complicated really fast”. And here I expected Magnus to behave like a decent person and say “I can’t hurt these people just for a business that’s going to be gone in a couple of years”, not it’s all about his comfort hahahahah FUCK YOU CASSANDRA CLARE, FUCK YOU SO HARD.

 

 

Blah blah blah, they agree, Magnus gets ready to send the demon back to Edom, but then the Demon—who, remember, has been offering gift advice and banter all day- goes 'nah bro, your boyfriend’s going to hate you deep down 'cause you’re a warlock’ talk about a 180.

Then the demon finally leaves, and Magnus decides to air the apartment before he starts cleaning (still without magic because for some reason, Magnus is too lazy to go buy stuff at the store but he’ll flop in slime instead of clicking his fingers. Characterization: who cares about it?).

 

Magnus is saved by the bell when Alec calls him though. Magnus is so happy that his first thought is to ask “why are you calling” which is the *perfect* thing to say to someone who already feels like he’s bothering you, as everyone knows.

(Note: this is sarcasm. Please don’t use this as a greeting for someone who already feels like they’re bothering you, you’ll just make it worse.)

 

Alec, of course, assumes Magnus has better things to do than to talk to him and offers to hang up, to which Magnus replies by saying he expected Alec to be with his family for the big day (since he’s turning 18). Also he calls Alec “Alexander” again and it just makes me So. Angry. tbh—Alec introduces himself with Alec, that means he wants to be called Alec, that’s his name, why does Magnus insist on calling him Alexander uuurrrrgh ><

(Okay, no, this bit is a little more personal but still.)

 

Alec didn’t expect Magnus to remember his birthday which, depending on the time frame and whether or not they’ve talked about this before, might not be as heartbreaking as it sounds. Still, it’s kinda of sad, and it’s also pretty sad that he’s actually outside of Magnus’ apartment instead of having cake with his parents—I mean, he’s turning 18 for fuck’s sake, it’s a big deal ><

But no, he’s at the bottom of Magnus’ stairs and rings the bell before they even hang up.

 

Alec comes up, says he can go away if Magnus is busy, to which Magnus replies he can be persuaded to clear his schedule—it’s said in a flirty/joking way but I still don’t get the appeal of that joke. But okay, I’m not actually *that* picky so I’ll ignore it, and then there’s kissy time, which I still find cute despite Magnus’ behavior up until now.

“Happy birthday, Alexander,” Magnus murmured.

“Thanks for remembering,” Alec whispered back.

And that’s the end of the story. In which the search for a gift and the making/giving of said gift took almost no time and literally zero real effort on Magnus’ part.

.