I went to my first lesbian bar today!

[terresdebrume]

Well I started the afternoon with a picnic with other NaNoWriters from around Paris (rendez-vous fixed at 2:30pm, we ended up starting around 4pm) and a lot more walking than anticipated, but after that I went to a bar called La Mutinerie in Paris.

I found out about it through twitter (after search engines mostly churned out ‘lesbian bars’ where the ‘best part’ awaited the men in the gents’ restroom…not encouraging) and when I went to their website, I really liked the project behind the bar, aka saving an old lesbian bar and making it a more political place (they have non-mixed nights, including trans-exclusive events) so I decided hey, sounds like a good place for a first try :P

And boy, was I right! I mean, I’m not gonna make things more glamorous than they were: when I enteredt the bar there were like, five women (bartender included) a mostly empty-billiard table and my anxious ask, ordering a coke and gluing myself to the bar like I was gonna drown if I let go. It’s a lesbian bar, not a magical anxiety remedy :P

But, despite all that,it’s the first time that I can remember where I’ve been in a bar and didn’t feel awkward about being in a bar. Sure, I’m still very awkward around strangers (and btw: good vibes for the bartender, who used tu with me right away and tried to include me in the billiard playing. Thanks to her, I actually talked to some people!) but I didn’t have the usual feeling of ‘really, you’re not supposed to be here!’ and that was awesome, and I really, really, really wanna go back. If possible with a friend, but I’ll definitely do it alone too :)

Honestly, it’s funny how I’ve been unsure of my sexuality for several years after I realized I wasn’t all that into boys (literally one of the things that scared me the most for that first year was “what if I’m just scared of entering relationships with guys and using possible lesbianism as an excuse?”) and the thing that confirms it the most so far is that feeling of rightness when I’m in queer friendly spaces. Like I said, I still feel awkward because anxiety does that to you, but there’s not this lowkey feeling that I’m taking up a space that isn’t mine and that is just the best feeling in the world <3

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[kawuli.livejournal.com]

because shit doesn't get lost to the void forever here, unlike tumblr...

I have the vaguest of plans for going to visit friends in Toulouse, probably in October. I will not have more precise dates until I get back from Mali, because basically everything in my life is on hold until then while I frantically try to Do All The Things, but I'll definitely let you know when i sort things out.